If you’ve spent years battling food and your body, you’ve probably tried a lot of things to make it better: read intuitive eating books, followed non-diet dietitians on social media, worked on accepting your body, or tried to stop comparing yourself to others. You understand that dieting doesn’t work, but still find yourself caught up in food guilt, body checking, or the urge to control your eating.

And you might be wondering: What am I missing?

But what if your relationship with food is connected to something much deeper than food itself?

I was honored to be joined by Michelle Volante and Nicole Coleman from Nova Luna Treatment Center in Hawaii. Michelle is a master’s degree social worker and the founder and clinical director of Nova Luna. Nicole is a master’s-level nutritionist with a background in integrative nutrition. Both also bring their own lived experiences with eating disorder recovery and body image struggles to this conversation.

Together, we explore the connections between diet culture, disordered eating, eating disorders, trauma, and the ways we learn to cope with difficult feelings.

We also talk about Nova Luna’s 10 Process Parameters: a framework designed to provide structure and guidance during the healing process. And Michelle shares two additional parameters that are hot off the press!

These aren’t just concepts for people in eating disorder treatment. They’re ideas you can apply to your everyday life as you work toward making peace with food and your body.

Diet Culture, Disordered Eating, and Eating Disorders: How Are They Connected?

One of the first things we discuss is the relationship between diet culture, disordered eating, and eating disorders.

Michelle explains that these behaviors exist on a continuum. Diet culture can introduce beliefs about what our bodies should look like, what we should eat, and what our weight supposedly says about us.

For some people, those beliefs can develop into disordered eating patterns. Depending on a person’s individual vulnerabilities, experiences, and history, those patterns can progress into an eating disorder.

This is important because you don’t have to have a diagnosed eating disorder for these conversations to be relevant to you.

You might be someone who has spent years dieting, restricting certain foods, obsessing over calories, or feeling guilty whenever you eat something you consider unhealthy. You might constantly compare your body to other people’s bodies or feel like you need to exercise to compensate for what you’ve eaten.

Even if those behaviors don’t meet the criteria for an eating disorder, they can still interfere with your quality of life and your ability to have a peaceful relationship with food.

And there’s another important piece to understand: If we only focus on changing the behavior without understanding what’s driving it, we may never get to the root of the problem.

Why It’s Important to Understand What’s Underneath Your Food Behaviors

Michelle explains that people often use behaviors like disordered eating, substance use, gambling, or overworking as ways to cope with something deeper.

In other words, the behavior is serving a purpose.

For example:

• Restricting food might give someone a temporary sense of control when other areas of life feel overwhelming. 
• Obsessing over nutrition might provide a distraction from painful emotions. 
• Constantly trying to change your body might feel like a way to finally become worthy, accepted, or safe.

Michelle talks about trauma as one of the underlying issues she frequently sees in her work.

Trauma isn’t always the obvious, major event that people might immediately think of. There can also be more subtle experiences that affect how someone sees themselves and relates to the world.

• Growing up feeling responsible for a parent’s emotions
• Being compared to siblings
• Feeling like you had to be perfect to receive approval can all leave lasting wounds.

As Michelle explains, trauma is a normal response to an abnormal event. Something that felt threatening or unsafe to a child can affect them long after that experience has passed.

One of the most powerful reframes she shares is this: Instead of viewing coping behaviors only as something harmful, consider how they might have originally functioned as protectors.

A behavior that isn’t serving you well today might have developed because it helped you feel safe at an earlier point in your life. That doesn’t mean you need to keep relying on it. But understanding why it’s there can help you approach yourself with more compassion and curiosity instead of shame.

The 10 Process Parameters for Your Healing Journey

At Nova Luna Treatment Center, Michelle developed a set of 10 Process Parameters to help provide structure and guidance during treatment.

She intentionally uses the word “parameters” rather than rules. Rules can feel restrictive and rigid, while parameters are meant to provide a supportive container that helps you feel held and guided.

Although these parameters were developed in the context of treatment, Michelle explains that they can apply to anyone who wants to heal, grow, and experience life more fully.

Let’s walk through them.

1. Priorities: Make Yourself a Priority

The first parameter is priorities. Michelle explains that if you don’t prioritize yourself and your well-being, it’s difficult to know where to begin.

This means recognizing that you matter and that your healing deserves your attention. Think about how often you’ve put your needs last. Maybe you’ve prioritized work, family responsibilities, or everyone else’s expectations while telling yourself you’ll focus on your relationship with food and your body later. Maybe you’ve spent years trying to make your body smaller without considering what that pursuit is costing you emotionally.

Prioritizing yourself means making a decision that your well-being matters now, not someday when you’ve lost weight, reached a goal, or finally feel good enough.

You matter, your healing matters, and you deserve to make yourself a priority.

2. Punctuality: Show Up for Yourself

The second parameter is punctuality. Michelle connects punctuality with showing up when you say you’re going to show up. When you prioritize yourself, you make an effort to honor the commitments you’ve made.

This can be a way of showing yourself that you matter.

For example, if you’ve decided to make time for your recovery work, attend an appointment, or participate in something that supports your well-being, showing up is part of that commitment.

It’s not about being perfect or never having to change plans. It’s about recognizing that your time and your needs are worth respecting.

3. Promises: Keep Your Word Without Creating a Cage

The third parameter is promises. Michelle talks about the importance of keeping your word to yourself and to other people. But there’s an important distinction here, especially when we’re talking about food and dieting.

A promise to yourself shouldn’t become another rigid rule that traps you.

For example, you might tell yourself, “I promise I won’t eat sugar this week,” or “I promise I’ll exercise every single day.” Those kinds of promises can actually reinforce the same perfectionism and control that make it difficult to heal your relationship with food.

Michelle encourages looking deeper. Why do you feel the need to make that promise? What are you afraid would happen if you didn’t follow that rule?

Maybe the rule makes you feel safe or you don’t trust yourself around certain foods. Maybe you believe you need strict control to prevent something bad from happening.

Instead of doubling down on the rule, get curious about where that need for control comes from.

The goal is to develop a relationship with yourself that’s rooted in trust.

4. Privilege: Recognize What You Have Access To

The fourth parameter is privilege. Michelle initially describes this in the context of being at Nova Luna and having access to a team of people who can offer guidance and support.

But she also expands the idea to something much bigger: the privilege of being alive and experiencing life. Being able to breathe, see, hear, move, and connect with other people are things we can easily take for granted.

This also connects with gratitude. Rather than only thinking about the things you wish were different, take a moment to recognize what you have access to right now.

You don’t have to minimize your struggles or pretend everything is wonderful. You can acknowledge that things are hard while also recognizing the resources, relationships, and experiences available to you.

And remember, you don’t have to be an island. Allowing yourself to receive help and support is part of the process.

5. Permission: Give Yourself Permission to Receive

This is one of my favorite parameters, especially when it comes to intuitive eating. Michelle explains that many people feel like they need permission to exist, take up space, or receive support.

People who struggle with eating disorders can sometimes become very comfortable giving to others while finding it much harder to receive, but healing requires allowing yourself to be vulnerable and receive what you need.

That includes accepting help, not having all the answers, and allowing yourself to take up space.

And, of course, permission applies to food!

Nicole talks about how unfamiliar the idea of unconditional permission to eat can feel for people who have spent years following food rules.

You might feel like you can’t trust yourself to eat what you want. You might worry that if you gave yourself permission to eat donuts, cookies, or other foods you’ve restricted, you’d never stop.

But unconditional permission is an important part of intuitive eating. You don’t need someone else’s approval to eat when you’re hungry or choose something that sounds satisfying. Food isn’t something you have to earn.

Giving yourself permission doesn’t mean you have to eat something when you’re already physically uncomfortable. It means removing the rigid rules and allowing yourself to make choices based on what you need and want.

Nicole also discusses the different types of hunger, including physical and emotional hunger. Sometimes what you’re craving isn’t another serving of food. You might be craving connection, affection, comfort, or something else entirely.

Learning to listen and get curious about what you’re actually hungry for can help you understand your needs more fully.

6. Perseverance: Refuse to Give Up on Yourself

The sixth parameter is perseverance. Michelle reminds us that recovery and personal growth aren’t always easy. There will be moments when you don’t want to do the work. She shares one of her favorite affirmations: “I can do hard things.”

But she also emphasizes that perseverance doesn’t mean forcing yourself through everything without listening to your needs. Sometimes the part of you that doesn’t want to do something might be telling you that you’re exhausted, hungry, overwhelmed, or need a break.

Michelle talks about checking in with yourself using HALT: Are you hungry, angry, anxious, lonely, or tired? Before pushing yourself to do something difficult, consider whether you need to take care of one of those needs first.

You can honor the part of yourself that doesn’t want to do something while also choosing not to let that part make every decision for you. Perseverance means continuing to show up for yourself, even when the process is uncomfortable.

7. Patience: Give Yourself Time

The seventh parameter is patience. Healing your relationship with food and your body doesn’t happen overnight. If you’ve spent decades living in diet culture, it’s unrealistic to expect all those beliefs and behaviors to disappear in a few weeks.

You’ll have moments when you feel like you’re making progress and other moments when old thoughts or habits show up again. That doesn’t mean you’re failing.

Patience means allowing yourself to be in the process instead of expecting immediate results. You can keep moving forward without demanding perfection from yourself.

8. Practice: Repetition Helps Create Change

The eighth parameter is practice. Michelle makes an important distinction here: Before you can practice something new, you may need to let go of something that isn’t working. That means unlearning old patterns and learning new ways of responding.

For example, if you’ve always responded to feeling uncomfortable in your body by restricting food, practicing a different response might feel unfamiliar at first. You might need to practice eating consistently, giving yourself permission to enjoy food, or responding to body image thoughts without immediately trying to change your body. And you’ll probably need to do it more than once.

Michelle compares this to learning how to drive. When you first start, you have to think through every little step. Eventually, with enough practice, those actions become more natural. That’s what can happen with healing, too. The more you practice new ways of thinking and behaving, the more integrated they become.

9. Play: Make Room for Joy

The ninth parameter is play. This one is especially important because so much of healing can feel serious and challenging.

Michelle explains that play helps us reconnect with creativity, curiosity, spontaneity, and pleasure. It doesn’t have to serve a purpose or help you accomplish a goal. Sometimes you can do something simply because it’s fun.

This is a big shift for people who have spent years focused on achievement, productivity, and self-improvement. If your life has revolved around trying to eat perfectly, exercise consistently, or change your body, you might have lost touch with the things that bring you joy. What would it look like to make room for activities that have nothing to do with your weight, food, or productivity?

You deserve fun. You deserve pleasure. And your healing journey doesn’t have to be all work and no play.

10. Presence: Come Back to the Moment You’re In

The tenth parameter is presence. Michelle talks about how easy it is to get stuck in our heads, distracted by our phones, or constantly thinking about what we need to do next.

Being present means connecting with what’s happening right now.

You can practice this by noticing what you see, hear, smell, and feel. You might go outside and notice the breeze on your face, feel the ground beneath your feet, or simply take a moment to breathe.

Michelle also cautions against turning mindfulness into another set of rules. The goal isn’t to become perfect at meditation or force yourself to experience a particular state of mind. It’s about getting out of your head and reconnecting with yourself and the world around you.

Instead of constantly postponing joy until the next event or milestone, what would it look like to notice what’s available to you in this moment?

Two Bonus Parameters: Perception and Purpose

Michelle shares two additional parameters that she has recently developed. These aren’t formally part of the original 10 yet, but I thought they were too good not to include.

11. Perception: Question How You See Yourself and the World

Perception is about how we see ourselves and the world around us. Michelle explains that as we move through the healing process, our perception can change. We may begin to see ourselves differently, question beliefs we’ve held for years, and recognize that just because we think something doesn’t mean it’s true.

This is especially relevant when it comes to diet culture. You might have spent years believing that a smaller body is automatically better, that certain foods are bad, or that your worth depends on how you look.

But where did those beliefs come from? Are they actually true? Or are they messages you’ve absorbed from the culture around you?

Michelle encourages us to be curious and question what we’ve been taught rather than automatically accepting it. You get to develop your own perspective instead of letting other people dictate how you see yourself.

12. Purpose: Discover What You’re Called To

The final parameter is purpose.

Michelle explains that many people come into treatment feeling disconnected from who they are and what they want. But discovering your purpose isn’t necessarily something you can force or figure out immediately. It’s about getting to a place where you can ask yourself: What am I called to? What feels meaningful to me? What is something I feel drawn toward in my soul or spirit?

Michelle connects this idea to the hero’s journey, which begins with a call to adventure. As you move through the healing process, you may discover that your journey was about much more than food or your body. It was about reconnecting with yourself, healing old wounds, learning to trust yourself, and figuring out how you want to live.

And that’s a pretty incredible thing.

Your Healing Journey Is About More Than Food

One of the biggest takeaways from this conversation is that healing your relationship with food and your body isn’t simply about changing your eating habits. It’s about understanding yourself more deeply, recognizing the ways you’ve learned to cope, and developing new ways of relating to yourself and the world.

You don’t have to apply all 12 parameters at once. In fact, my challenge for you is to choose just ONE that stands out to you. Whatever stands out, take some time to sit with it. Think about how you could apply it in your everyday life and what might need to shift for you to make that happen.

And remember the wisdom Michelle shares toward the end of our conversation: Instead of asking, “Why is this happening to me?” consider asking, “How is this happening for me?” Nicole also leaves us with a powerful reminder to choose freedom in a world that often feels rigid.

You are allowed to question the rules. You’re allowed to receive support. You’re allowed to choose healing and create a life that includes more joy. You don’t have to keep living under the expectations of diet culture.

You deserve to experience freedom with food, peace with your body, and a life that feels full and meaningful.

And remember, you are worthy, exactly as you are.

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