Ep.156 (Transcript): How to Handle Feeling Triggered By Seeing People Who Have Lost Weight

Welcome back to Rebuilding Trust With Your Body, I’m Katy Harvey your host. This episode is one that I know you need to hear as we are in the holiday season, and you’re going to be seeing people you might not have seen since last holiday season.

The reality is, a lot of you are going to be encountering people who have lost a significant amount of weight this year. And it’s going to stir up some stuff within you.

We know that with the explosion of the weight loss industry in conjunction with the GLP-1 medications like Ozempic, Wegovy, Mounjaro and Zepbound, you probably know at least one, if not many, people who are on one of these medications.

What this episode is NOT about is the meds themselves. If you want to know my (somewhat controversial) thoughts on the GLP-1 medications, go back and listen to my 2 episodes on them. I’ll link to them in the show notes.

I want to be clear that I’m not shaming anyone for taking these drugs. There are a lot of reasons that a person might want to be on a GLP-1 medication. Some of those reasons might be very legitimately about health – especially diabetes, CVD, and kidney disease. And yes, some people are misusing or abusing these medications which I obviously don’t support.

So again, let’s zoom out because this episode isn’t about the drugs themselves, or even the weight loss that’s occurring in other people. It’s about YOUR REACTION to seeing other people lose weight and how to navigate that.

Essentially this is a discussion about how to handle feeling jealous, angry or triggered by seeing others lose weight. And it’s a discussion about how you feel in regards to your own body, and where you’re at in your relationship with food.

Before we dive into our main topic for today, you know what time it is…We’ve got some Wellness Woo to talk about.

Wellness Woo is the stuff that diet and wellness culture tells us we should do in the name of health, but it’s really based on pseudoscience, exaggerated claims, or just nonsense.

Today’s Wellness Woo is: Microwaves

Here’s the perfect example from a naturopath (who is also happy to tell you about all sorts of other wellness woo that we’ve covered in previous episodes, and to sell you tons of supplements, liver detoxes, parasite and mold detoxes, and an inflammation reset diet – DO NOT WASTE YOUR MONEY ON NONSENSE LIKE THIS.)

In a video she posted on TikTok, she says:

“We live in an energetic universe…Everything has a natural energy signature. The microwave disrupted food on a molecular level altering it’s energetic signature. This makes the food you consume harder for your body to recognize and absorb vital nutrients…Don’t add unnecessary burden to your body consuming microwaved food or even water.”

Someone in the comments asked “I stopped using a microwave a week ago – how long til my body finally goes back to normal?” And her response was “Hard to say, there could be many other things burdening your body. Watch more videos and make all the changes possible.”

Another person who made a video on TT said:

“Microwaves are destroying our society. 133 million Americans suffer from at least one chronic illness, and microwaves can be a contributing factor to that.” She goes on to claim that microwaves are putting radiation into your food – which is just plain false.

Are microwaves dangerous? Only if you burn yourself from the food, or if you’ve got it plugged in in some sketchy way.

Is microwave radiation harmful? No.

Do microwaves cause cancer? No.

Do microwaves destroy nutrients in your food? Not any more so than other cooking methods.

In fact, in some cases it’s less than other cooking methods.

Is it dangerous to microwave plastic? Possibly. There is some good evidence that microwaving certain non-microwavable plastics can cause the plastic to leach into food which is possibly harmful to health, especially if it contains BPA or phthalates. But plastics that are labeled as microwave-safe are probably fine. If you want to be extra cautious, put your food in a glass dish before you microwave it.

Also don’t put metal in the microwave.

Let’s talk about the actual science of how microwaves work:

Microwaves are non-ionizing radiation, so they do not have the same risks as x-rays or other types of ionizing radiation.

Microwaves cause water molecules in food to vibrate, producing heat that cooks the food. That’s why foods that are high in water content, like fresh vegetables, can be cooked more quickly than other foods. The microwave energy is changed to heat as it is absorbed by food, and does not make food “radioactive” or “contaminated.”

Bottom line, the fear mongering about microwaves is mostly nonsense, especially the claims about radiation and nutrition. The only concern you should have is about burning yourself, setting your kitchen on fire, or with certain plastics.

As a cooking method, when used properly, microwaves are totally safe. Anyone who tells you otherwise is spreading Wellness Woo.

If you have an example of Wellness Woo that you want to share, send it to me at rebuildingtrustwithyourbody@gmail.com.

Ok, that’s enough of that. Moving on to today’s main topic…How to handle feeling jealous, angry or triggered by seeing others lose weight.

The first thing I want you to do is to practice noticing your reaction to seeing others who have lost weight. We can actually practice this right now. Think of a person you know, or even a celebrity who has lost weight, and pause to check in with yourself to see what gets stirred up for you.

Remember to be genuinely curious, not judgmental. It’s totally understandable if you feel jealous that they lost weight, and you wish that you were losing weight too. Maybe you feel angry that they lost weight. Perhaps it feels like a betrayal of some sort. This comes up a lot for my clients if there was a fat positive or body positive person they followed online who loses weight, or if someone in their life who they were dieting buddies with, or who they used to binge with, or who you bonded over your eating disorders or disordered eating – sometimes if they lose weight it feels like they’re betraying your relationship if they’re not on the same page as you anymore.

Maybe when you think about someone who has lost weight you feel concerned for them, or you feel sad that they have perhaps bought into diet culture and society’s standards. Let’s also remember that we don’t always know WHY someone is losing weight. They could be going through a struggle with depression or grief, or a medical issue of some sort. Unless the person is telling you that they lost weight on purpose, you don’t know.

Maybe you feel suspicious when you see someone who is suddenly a lot smaller than last time you saw them. Maybe you are caught up wondering how they lost weight and whether or not they’re on a weight loss medication, and they’re saying that they’re just “taking better care of themselves” or that they’re “eating healthier” but you think they might be leaving out the part where they are on a medication or had bariatric surgery.

I say this lovingly, but I’m also going to be blunt with you here: It’s none of your business why or how they lost weight. Just like it’s nobody else’s business what you’re doing in your relationship with food and your body. They’re not obligated to say what they’re doing, or to tell the full truth about it. Sometimes we need to check ourselves and remember to stay in our own lane.

Now, that doesn’t make your feelings bad, wrong or invalid. I just want to remind you that it’s easy to get revved up about this stuff, and that’s why it’s so important that we are starting with curiosity about what exactly it is that you’re feeling.

Another common thing that comes up for my clients is when they see someone else who has lost weight, they start second guessing themselves and doubting their own choice to let go of dieting. They think, “What if I’m wrong?” or, “What if this whole intuitive eating thing was a bad idea?” or, “What if I’m missing out?”

I’ve also had plenty of clients who are on a GLP-1 medication for one reason or another who also feel triggered by seeing others lose weight, especially if they know that the person is taking one of those medications and has lost more weight than my client has. Sometimes that leads to feelings of competition, failure, shame, worrying they’re doing it wrong, feeling like they’re not trying hard enough…all of that diet mentality stuff that we’ve been programmed with by our society.

Shifting From Judgment and Comparison to Compassion and Connection

When you notice yourself judging the other person, or comparing yourself to them, I want you to try and shift to connection. You see, comparison sets us up to feel inferior, and what’s built into any comparison is looking for differences.

Instead of looking for ways we are different, try to look for things that you might have in common or that you can connect over. This is relatively easy if you know the person and can talk to them and connect with them at that human-to-human level. Ask them questions about what’s been going on with work, or with their family, or what books they’ve read lately, or what TV show’s they’ve been into. People love being asked about themselves, and it’s a great way to get to know them at a deeper level, which tends to make it easier to be less hung up on how their body might have changed.

If it’s somebody on social media or on TV or in a movie that you don’t actually know in real life, then you might have to imagine or come up with hypothetical things you could relate over. Let’s say it’s someone you follow on IG, maybe you imagine how they have days that they want to hit the snooze button too, or you could picture them running to Target and pushing their cart down the aisle just like you do. Maybe they’re a dog person or a cat person and you can see that in some of their content, and you love animals too. Maybe you can imagine how they get frustrated when they’re stuck in traffic, or when they put clothes in the dryer and forget to turn it on. We all have these relatable human experiences. You see how that gets you out of comparison mode?

I also encourage you to remind yourself that we each have unique bodies with unique needs. And we all live in diet culture where our society tells us that thinness is better, and that losing weight means you’re succeeding in life. Heck, you’ve probably been in their shoes at certain points in time where you were doing things to lose weight. So remember that they are doing what they feel is right for themselves, for whatever reasons that may be. And you may or may not agree with those reasons. But it doesn’t matter.

You also get to do what’s right for you. You have chosen the path that you are on based on your own experiences and your own values. Stay true to your values. I remember when I was a kid and I’d want to do something that my friends were doing my parents would often say to me, “If everyone else was jumping off a cliff, would you do it too?” It’s such a cliche, but it’s true. We don’t have to diet, or fixate on weight loss, just because society told us to. (In fact, you and I both know that staying stuck on that bandwagon is miserable and exhausting.)

I want you to picture yourself staying in your own lane, and staying on the path that you are on. You’re in it for the long-haul. You know that this is a marathon and not a sprint. You’ve got to keep playing the long-game here, and what I can tell you is this:

When you get to a place that you have total peace and acceptance with food and your own body, what other people are doing simply won’t matter to you anymore. You won’t feel so bothered or triggered by it.

If you feel l like you need to surround yourself more with people who are also on the intuitive eating journey, I 10/10 recommend that you get inside my FB group called Intuitive Eating Made Easy. Inside, you’ll find a wonderful community of wise and compassionate people who are also working on stepping away from diet culture and healing their relationship with food. I hang out inside that group pretty much every day, and I love the conversations we have in there. I also do exclusive trainings and offer resources inside the group that I don’t offer anywhere else, so if you’re not already inside, click the link in the show notes and come join the fun!

Remembering Your WHY

Now, I have a little bit of journaling or reflecting homework for you. I did this a couple episodes back when we were talking about blocks you might have against exercise, and several of you reached out to let me know you had done the timeline assignment and how helpful it was.

The assignment I have for you right now is about remembering your “why.” I want you to take 10-15 minutes to sit down and write about why you decided to explore intuitive eating in the first place. Why you decided to make peace with food. Why you decided to step off the dieting rollercoaster. Why you decided to recover from your eating disorder.

Whatever your entry point was into the intuitive eating space, I want you to connect with that, and to remind yourself of what it was like to be stuck in diet land and restriction. What it was like to try and “be good” with food all day, only to find yourself binging at night. I want you to remember what it was like to be thinking about food all the time – waking up thinking about what you ate the night before, and what you could or should eat that day, and what you are going to have later for a snack, and what’s for dinner tonight. I want you to remember what it was like to feel guilty for eating some of your favorite foods, like pasta, or ice cream, or Cheez Its. I want you to remember what it was like to push your cart down the chip aisle at the grocery store, lusting over the sour cream and onion chips, but telling yourself you didn’t deserve to get them because you haven’t lost weight yet. I want you to remember what it was like to go out to eat with your friends or your partner, and how you’d scan the “lite” section of the menu or the salads, when deep down inside you desperately wanted the chicken parm or a nice juicy burger, and how you’d stare at their fries when your food came, wishing that you could have some (or maybe stealing some off your partner’s plate and he says, “Why don’t you just order some of your own? It’s ok!”) I want you to remember that feeling every morning or every week when you would weigh in, and you’d be so hopeful that you had lost weight, and so fearful that you’d gained. Being stable was a relief, but also a disappointment.

And I want you to also reflect on how things have been different with intuitive eating. What has shifted for you in your life, and in your relationship with food. What’s it like to go out to eat? What’s it like to go to the grocery store? What’s it like to eat foods that are actually satisfying to you?

Again, if you feel like you need more support and companionship on this journey (which can be really lonely if nobody else in your life gets it), then come into the FB group and you’ll see that there are SO MANY other people out there who are also done with dieting, and done with restricting, and are living their life more fully because they’re not obsessing about food and their weight anymore. It’s a good place to have that reminder that NOT everyone is on a diet or a weight loss medication right now. And that some people who are on GLP-1 medications are doing it in conjunction with intuitive eating, and it’s not actually a diet-y thing for them. (Keep in mind that these medications originated for diabetes, and a lot of people are taking them for diabetes, pre-diabetes, PCOS, insulin resistance and blood sugar issues). It’s not just the equivalent of a diet pill like fen-phen (and YES, some people are using it that way).

Tips for Handling Conversations

I want to share a few tips for handling conversations if dieting, GLP-1 medications or weight loss comes up in conversation this holiday season. Because you know that if someone at a gathering has lost a bunch of weight this year, so many people are going to be commenting on it, complimenting them, and asking them how they did it. Or you might have someone in your life who is on a diet or a GLP-1 medication that wants to talk about it as if it’s part of their identity now.

Let’s keep in mind that the person who has lost weight might have mixed feelings about getting comments and compliments. Some people love it, and they’re on cloud 9. Others feel like it’s intrusive for people to be commenting on their body. So don’t assume that you know how they feel.

In general, I would encourage you to just opt out of the conversation. There are a few ways you can do this:

Say nothing
Gray rock
Change the subject
Walk away – take a bathroom break, respond to an important text message, go refill your drink
Have an internal boundary with yourself that you’re not going to bring it up or ask them about it.

Maybe you’re in the mood to respond or say something to set a boundary. Remember that boundaries don’t have to be abrasive. They can be really subtle. Sometimes a well-placed joke can do wonders.

“We have so many better things to talk about than weight and dieting!”
“I have been learning so much about intuitive eating this year and I’m really enjoying the process.”
“Oh that’s so interesting….” (and then change the subject)
“I’m so happy to be enjoying all foods this holiday season.”
“What else is new with you?”
“I’ve been doing a lot of inner work on accepting my body and figuring things out in my relationship with food, and this is a hard subject for me. Would it be ok if we talk about something else?”

Sometimes the boundaries are internal with ourselves and what we will and won’t say or do. For example, you might have an internal boundary that you’re not going to compliment someone’s weight loss or appearance. Sometimes silence is the boundary.

Wrapping Up

Remember that rebuilding trust w/ your body is a long-term personal commitment to your health and wellbeing. It doesn’t happen overnight. You have been existing in a world that already worshiped at the altar of thinness by the time you were born. Chances are you have struggled with food and your body image for many years, or even decades. This doesn’t just get better in a matter of weeks or even months. For most people it takes years of unraveling and peeling back the layers to heal their relationship with food and to cultivate peace and acceptance towards their bodies.

I don’t say that to be discouraging – I say it to reassure you that it’s normal that it takes time, and to encourage you not to give up. If you need support, reach out for it. You don’t have to do this alone.

Even if it’s hard to see people around you losing weight, that doesn’t mean that you are losing some arbitrary competition, or that you’ve made the wrong choice in any way. You are on your own journey, and it’s unique to you. As difficult and challenging as this process can be, especially when it feels like you’re swimming upstream, there are so many incredible nuggets of wisdom and personal growth that happen along the way. Most people in the long run tell me that they are grateful for the journey, even though they wouldn’t have chosen the struggle in the first place. The journey towards healing is a powerful one, and there are many gifts in your life that can come from it. So let’s leave it at that.

In case nobody has told you today – you are worthy just as you are. We’ll talk again soon.

Resources mentioned in episode:

References:

https://www.goodrx.com/well-being/diet-nutrition/are-microwaves-safe?label_override=undefined
https://www.amjmed.com/article/S0002-9343(22)00523-X/fulltext
https://www.fda.gov/radiation-emitting-products/resources-you-radiation-emitting-products/microwave-ovens

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